I haven't blogged in so long that I legitimately forgot my password. It just took me three hours to log in, and I even had to resort to the whole, "forgot my password" link on the homepage; the one where they realize I'm an idiot and have to email me a link to recover my precious passkey. Why is it that blogger.com is more encrypted and has more security settings than my online banking website? Blogger.com does not, and I repeat, does not fuck around. God forbid someone hacked this thing and started blogging under the pretense that they were me. Then my blog might actually adhere to certain grammatical principles that I ignore...like punctuation. But seriously, I just went through a six sequence verification process to obtain my password.
Step 1: Email Address- check
Step 2: Security Question- ...is it just me, or am I the only person who doesn't pay any attention to the security question at the initial set up of the account. Normally, there is a little drop down box where I can select one from a preset selection of four or five. I'm sorry, but I don't pay attention because none of them pertain to me. The question, "What was your first pet horse's name?" does not apply to me, sorry guys. And no, I didn't go with, "In which zip code territory did your first house reside in?" or the ever popular, "Who was your first grade teacher's name...and what was his/her sexual orientation?". I went to the first grade for one week, realized I was a shy 6 year old kid who could not handle a class of more than 5 children and my parents opted to put me in a class called "transitional". No one believes this story, but it is true. I technically am a grade behind. My transitional class was supposed to be a "transition" (go figure) between kindergarten and first grade. It consisted of like four of us in the class, and I have no idea what we did. I can't for the life of me think of any work that somehow would me more challenging for a kindergarten student yet too easy for a first grader. More or less, I think it just shaped us for social interaction. Needless to say, the security question phase is always a challenge. Ten minutes later, and something to do with the grocery store aisle my dad was born in, I'm on to step 3.
Step 3: Password- So blogger.com, what you're saying is that in the process of trying to obtain my password, I need to tell you my password. Mind you, it wasn't asking for a new password. It was asking for THE password. ....is it the word password? Otherwise, I don't know. It took me ten minutes to figure out there was small font at the bottom of the screen explaining I had initially selected the "forgot user name" option rather than "forgot password". Actually it looks like: "forgot password?" There is always that obnoxious question mark at the end taunting you a little bit for forgetting it. I always read it out loud and emphasize a very snotty tone at the end where the huge question mark is. This question mark immediately puts me in a bad mood. Normally, I would have given up here. No blog is worth going through that security question section again, but it's times like these I think of my fans. My fans are a lot like the fans of the character "Bad Blake" in the movie "Crazy Heart". They don't have a lot of teeth and they can be accounted for using one hand to count them. Rather than demanding drunkenly slurred country lyrics such as "funny how falling feels like flying...at least for a little while." they demand my incoherent words on their high resolution screens. So with the fans in mind ;) I had to press on and after answering some question about the anatomy of a squirrel fetus, I advance to step 4.
Step 4: IQ test- I immediately wonder if this is being graded on a curve. Is there a certain score I need to achieve to continue and get my password? They don't really say; it's incredibly cryptic. I don't remember taking an IQ test at the set up of the account, but after hosting several of my blogs, I'm sure the website simply understands I'm stupid and formulates it's own score. I figure if I score higher than 78 I'm probably good to go. If I need to score higher than the website itself, I'm probably screwed. Kind of like playing chess against the super computers who were specifically designed to play chess. I never understood that. They take the world champion grandmaster chess player and have him play the computer program that was designed to be better than him. The chess player had learned to play the game through repetition, studying, theory, and innate ability and uncanny ability to think several moves ahead. The computer was programmed to do this instantly and can...compute infinite moves ahead. (that's called a random rant...enjoy). After a few questions into the test, I feel very confident. So far the most challenging question has been something along the lines of, "Which of the following does not belong in the group below?" My four image choices are an adult man, an adult woman, a small child, and a dinosaur. I somewhat confidently select the small child. The dinosaur looked like an adult species, I figure evolutionists created the test and I am in line with their thinking on this one. I remember reading somewhere dinosaurs were the predecessors to adults and fish were the species most responsible for children...or they were delivered by storks. My results do not post in the form of a numerical score, but rather a large font display of, "Based on the submitted results, we cannot release the temporary hold on your account. Would you like to retake the questionnaire?". Arrogant bastards. Have the audacity to call it a questionnaire. I read up on the conception of children and choose to retake the "test". I either pass with flying colors, or the website doesn't have the heart to tell me I'm incredibly dumb and let's me continue out of sympathy.
Step 5: Social Security Number- At least it's a question I know off hand. I've never been more excited to have someone steal my identity and open credit cards under my name.
Step 6: Select New Password- Could it be this easy? Do I pick something only I can remember, or should I just make it "password"....i go with that option.
At this point I think I am done. I am expecting to return to the home page and enter in my username and my password of password and start blogging about Christmas, New Years, Father Daughter time, etc. I can't wait...I should have waited. There's a step 7.
Step 7: Word Verification Word Box Thing- This is easily the most frustrating thing on the internet. I cannot understand what it was intended for other than to make people scream and break their monitors. It is the section that we have all seen so many times where the website asks us to type in the two words that appear on the screen in the text box. Sounds easy enough, the issue is the two words aren't even words at all. They aren't decipherable anything. They are literally Egyptian symbols in the strangest font. They are always upside down and a mix of color, size, and variety. Sometimes there is just a picture of a chicken. I can't type that in; I don't have my keyboard calibrated for chicken. If I get it wrong then it presents me with two "words" exponentially more difficult to decipher. Sometimes it's Latin, sometimes its the writing they used in transformers, sometimes it's geometry shapes, but it's never two words. Is this part of the challenge...or rather.. a continuation of the IQ test? Does the creator of these things know the words cannot be accurately typed in or replicated and just test our will to continue? Maybe it's a lateral thinking exercise. I sit deep in thought about it for several minutes and finally decide to type "fuck you" into the boxes and press continue. It grants me my wish and I have now reset my password.
I conquered the unconquerable. I've expertly displayed mind over matter and passed the most difficult test I've had to date. I'm on the home page again ready to log in....wait, what's my user name again?
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