Is it still St Patricks day? I can't entirely remember. I normally go about my life in a manner that would make the people close to me proud of my actions. I can't say I always accomplish this, but I try to live a pretty respectable life for the most part. People definitely think I engage in wild and frenzied drinking festivities more than I do. But when it comes to St Patricks day I go about my day in a manner that would make my Irish heritage proud. It's not that I enjoy getting wasted, but it's certainly my responsibility to uphold.
The first time I decided to really "give it a go" on St Patricks was two years ago. The thought of drinking anything that doesn't end in juice before 10am really upsets me. It was definitely a first chugging some ales and stouts on a train headed to the city at nine in the morning. Without going into too much detail, the quality of the day can be summised by letting everyone know that night I ended up sleeping on the top of a building in Chicago. Normally the tops of buildings aren't indoors. This was no exception. Normally March in Chicago was cold..this was colder. Normally people don't step on you while you are attempting to sleep, unfortunately people thought I was some type of blanket covered step...oh wait, I didn't have a blanket.
For St Patricks day this year, I wanted to take it to a whole different level. I wasn't sure of the events that would take place during the day, only that I wanted the night to end with me alone and naked in a field huddled next to a dog of some type. I wanted to pass out and awaken in my store the following morning, wearing a freshly pressed and tailored suit with a small note in the pocket simply reading: "You're welcome." So I was aiming high, but I've never been one to set an unreasonable goal.
As a side note really quick....I'm certain I've had alcohol poisoning before. Some times people tell me they've had alcohol poisoning and I was with them the entire night and they had 6 drinks. Nope, you actually have "inability to hold your liquor poisoning". One of the first times I drank I was 17, maybe 18 and pretty dumb (so you can see not much has changed except my age). And on this lovely evening, me and the girlfriend at the time thought it would be an excellent decision to get drunk together at her friends apartment. My friend bought me a handle of vodka, I, of course, supplied the lemonade and cranberry juice because I'm classy, and someone provided the cups. After 18 vodka lemonades its hard to remember much, and even harder to stand, but needless to say I alone accounted for over half the handle in roughly 2 hours. I woke up naked....wait for it....(not in a field sadly) but in my girlfriend's friend's apartment bathroom covered in throw up and surrounded by towels. To say I felt like death would make dying sound too easy and painless. I was beyond sick for like 2 days. I actually came home, and my father (who didn't know I had been out drinking...hi dad) asked me to mow the yard. I don't think that is anything in the world I would have dreaded to do more at that point then push a device with blades through my backyard in 95 degree heat. My body wasn't producing sweat. I was sweating vodka lemonades, which might have been refreshing it someone wanted to lick me, but I smelled like a shot of Pinesol. I ended up sleeping for two days straight and dry heaving countless times.
Side note #2: The actual St Patrick was not Irish, but rather, English. That is beyond frustrating.
The reason I referenced side note #1 is that for St Patricks day this year I wanted get as close to that point as possible without dying or ending up in jail. Here is a recap of the day.
Side note #3: the day before I was at the gym and didn't go to bed till 6am. Win!!
9:00am- Rise and Shine. Take a green shower. Scrub body with Leprechaun blood. (0% drunk)
10:00am- Drive around for 30 minutes trying to find Toyota of Naperville because there is nothing more traditionally Irish then getting a free oil change. (0% drunk)
11:00am- At the mall with Greg searching for some green attire to wear. Try to buy 10 loaves of Irish soda bread at Panera, settle for two muffins and a green shirt from Express. (0% drunk)
11:30am- Driving to pick up Gary. Stop off at liquor store to purchase a fifth of Jameson and a fifth of the least Irish drink I could think of..pirate rum: Captain Morgan. Apparently Jack Sparrow is joining us today. (0% drunk)
12:30pm- We have picked up Greg, secured the cargo and are sitting across the street from Bally Doyle in the Hollywood Casino parking lot. Start pregaming with the two bottles (5% drunk)
1-5pm- Rotating between Bally Doyle and the parking garage consuming Irish car bombs, Guinness stout, Miller alluminum pints, and Jameson and Pirate Rum. The following events take place within this time frame:
A) old couple drive through parking garage horrified that one of us is peeing in a corner.
B) somewhat attractive woman gets very angry when I ask her to take a picture of me and my friends
C) people wearing suits (and they weren't green mind you) start discussing their portfolios, horse racing, and playing polo. They also try to make fun at us. I say try because you can't discuss polo and make fun of someone successfully.
D) Greg is nearly abducted by a very large and frightening woman. Difficult to say whether she wanted to keep him as food or a sex slave.
E) Some man is wearing the same shirt as me and starring at me angrily as if now I have ruined his chances at picking up women.
(45% drunk)
5:00pm- We get kicked out of the parking garage and our remaning pirate rum is taken.
5:30pm- Get picked up by someone sober (although I'm still sober, the law would argue otherwise) and head to St Charles.
6:00pm- My companions are pretty well maxed out; I don't blame they, they simply aren't Irish and didn't start the morning ritual of Leprechaun blood. I however, think I will order some car bombs and a pitcher of green beer. (80% drunk)
8:00pm- We arrive back to my apartment. Gary is passed out or dead. Either way he is better off on Greg's bed and if need be we will worry about the body later. I realize despite the amount of liquor I have consumed, I have been pacing myself too much. Starting to realize the night will not end in a field. I am sobering up (65% drunk -15%)
8:30pm- Go back to Ballydoyle to meet up with Javy. (60% drunk -5%)
side note #4: Gary told Javy to meet us at Ballydoyle at like 5. He never told him we left. Javy has been waiting and is angry face. I am sober and sober face.
9:00pm- Us three head over to the Roundhouse for some more drinks and annoying music. I may possibly change into a kilt. I order a water. Greg and I get into a fight as he claims no one has purchased him drinks today...everyone has purchased him drinks. (50% drunk. 100% frustrated)
10pm- Greg and I head to Fox and Hound to meet up with two friends who happen to be women. I drink lightly as I have given up on my night and failed my Irish heritage. (60% drunk)
1130pm- I am home and in bed sooner than I expected. I substitute my pillow for cabbage; I don't deserve a pillow tonight. I am safe, fully clothed, and entirely disappointed.
No comments:
Post a Comment