Prestige Worldwide Presents: Letters to John Doe (Part 1)

Dear Anonymous,

There isn't a person in my life who I love or respect more. Not unlike many people who know you intimately, I admire you so much. However, I feel like my admiration for you is deeper rooted than most. I've seen and shared in much of the adversity you have. It's the type of adversity and dysfunction that makes people question their very self worth. I saw you question many things for many years. I saw you struggle with inner demons and battles that would have broken most..that I thought had almost broken you. And while you would probably be the first to admit you don't have the answer to every question or the solution to every problem, the balance you have achieved now in your personal life is something so inspiring to see. It's always tough living in your shadow. We are so much alike, I often view you as a better version of me. One not so rough around the edges, a version able to adhere to basic principles I struggle with, issues of ego, morality, common sense. I've never really been worried with "letting people down" with the exception of you. I sometimes think the world is judging me through your very eyes. When I truly stop and think about it, I know it isn't judgment that resonates through your eyes, it's unconditional love. I love you. The greatest way I could thank you for all that you've done is simply to love in the same fashion. I do.

Dear Anonymous,

I can say without hesitation that the most impacting and lasting emotional experiences I have had to date are ones that include you at the center. I learned more about myself in the time I spent with you than at any other point in my life. You truly brought out the best and worst of me. For a long time, I thought I would never get over the pain you caused me. And while I may be dramatic and emotional, you still have no idea the extent of the damage you did to me, I still don't quite understand. I thought that your stamp would forever be imprinted on my life, that my ability to love would be distorted as a result of you. To some degree I still think all of these things. Every time I truly feel I am healed and have emotionally recovered, you have a way of creeping back into my mind or my life, as if planting a reminder that I will never escape the control you still hold over me in my mind and in my heart. I let you control and hold something that no other person in my life has had access to, my raw emotion. No matter how negative the circumstances were, and no matter what type of pain you caused me, I will always look back at those times as the best memories and experiences I had. I'd trade the 90% negative for the 10% positive, and I'm not sure why. Probably because deep inside myself I think you were justified to some degree. I know you think you were; you never took accountability. My prior mistakes gave you the trump card over every mistake and betrayal you would make. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I just want to let go of you. I want to understand that I was young, and that my youth should not forever define me as an adult. I'm okay without you; I truly am. I'm better without you, but I still love you. I hate feeling incomplete and vulnerable and crazy, yet those are the overwhelming feelings attached to your name. 

Dear Anonymous,

I miss you. I rarely admit it, and even rarely think it. Many days, it's not uncommon for you not to even enter into my mind. It's as if I live my life trying to forget you were once the biggest part of mine. And as cold as it makes me seem, I don't wish you were still here. I would only wish that if I thought you could be happy. But even when you were here, you weren't actually here. Your self struggles and dependency never allowed you to feel fulfilled with the things that should have made you feel complete. I still don't resent you for the decisions you made, no matter how selfish or poor they were. I think you knew the final decision you made in leaving would ultimately be the end for you. Maybe you didn't consciously set out for it, but I think you craved dysfunction, it was all you were used to and the only thing that filled your mind. I think you were okay leaving because, for whatever reason, you never really felt you were here to begin with. Did you really think your "home" held all the answers or any true significance? If "home" to you meant the things you valued most, then it's sad to think you didn't consider your home the place where we were. I'm not bitter, I'm really not. I never doubt you loved us all a great deal. I just know you loved yourself a little more, I can't necessarily blame you. I live vicariously though you more often than I should. You're a huge part of me, but you don't define me or what I will be. If people think I will turn out as your replica, they are wrong. I have your good qualities and probably even more of your less desirable ones, but I'm not you. I think for a long time you wanted me to be you. I think you wanted your flaws to resonate with me to make yourself feel less ostracized, more normal, a better person. But because you viewed your own self worth through me, I also saw how my successes were your successes. I saw how my good traits pleased because they were indirectly yours. I saw how you favored me as a result of these things, and I also saw how you took out your life's frustrations on your daughter, because to you, she was the personification of your husband and everything negative you had experienced as a young woman. No child should have to deal with that unfair and unwarranted stigma. We were only children but you perceived us as an outlet for your emotion and distress. I miss you. I wish you could have seen your granddaughter, and while I have no true basis for thinking this, I think she might have given you a reason to change even more so than your own children. Maybe you couldn't change. 

Part 2 Coming Soon.