Disclaimer: This blog won't be funny.
My guess is that half of the people who normally read my blog will stop reading after that header.
Disclaimer 2: The people who remain reading will most likely be insulted either directly or indirectly by me in this blog.
Great, now that we've settled that, we can continue. Normally when I start a blog, I have already been inspired to write something and have detailed a general plan or outline for it in my mind before my fingers ever approach a keyboard. I made a promise to myself when starting this, that I wouldn't simply write something to write something. I told myself that the time between blog entries would never be a factor in me formulating a blog, and that I would wait for a topic of interest that I felt I could write about with passion and inspiration. This blog is no exception; however, my inspiration for this is a lack of inspiration by my part. After people read this, I imagine they will think I'm in a pretty negative place right now. However, that isn't the case. I'm no more depressed or negative than I would be any other day, in fact, probably less. My first few blogs have been created with the intention to entertain. While the premise of each has a strong level of truth behind it, things are exaggerated or slightly modified to enhance the story. But I wanted this entry to be more about intraspective thought and reflection. I want to try to find something out about myself through brutal honesty in the hopes that, through my own words, I can see a side of myself I normally do not.
Every so often there is some element to my life or personality that could be described as genuine. Some reaction or emotion that has the stamp of an authentic and positive me etched on it somewhere. But for the most part, what I perceive myself to be is a persona. I used to crawl into the role of being the "George" that I thought people wanted to see. I always knew being me required some level of expectation behind it, though I could never understand the "why" behind it. Things like "potential" and "future" and "talent" are vague and self serving to those who expect it from someone else. For a lot of my youth I was selfless in fulfilling the role that people thought I should be. I then went through a phase easy to predict and ever easier to dissect where I rebelled against that false self. I firmly believe life is about achieving some type of balance in every facet of it. Extremes, regardless of which side of the line they fall towards, are hard to sustain and typically damaging to the self. When we see someone in society that has tendencies that could be described as "extreme" we automatically think something is wrong with them. Even if someone is extremely happy or positive or religious or whatever the case might be, something seems off. Just as much so as if they were an extreme sadist or murderer or slacker. Balance is the key to everything. So when I decided to no longer be the persona of George that people wanted me to be, I became the George that everyone wished I wasn't. My fall from grace wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, something I am grateful for. I never got into drugs, violence, crime. I kept my head above water with academics, held on to a strong group of friends, and was still functional on a day to day basis. But regardless, I went out of my way to provoke people, hurt those close to me, and make mistakes. Looking back, I obviously had pent up resentment towards the person I thought I was being forced to be and was acting out. That is easy to identify from anyone who has any basic understanding of the principles of psychology. But I also did some of the things I did to purposely feel dysfunction and self chaos. I wanted to genuinely relate to a side of my mother that I previously had not. Her mental illness and traits might be hereditary, but I wanted her actions and mistakes to become the same. I wanted to relate to her rather than rationalize for her. I wanted to experience her mistakes through my own eyes and experiences rather than have to frown upon them.
The place that I'm at now in my life is different from the false selves I used to rely upon. It is, what I believe to be, a more genuine self, though not a better version necessarily. What I have come to firmly believe is that people do not hold my interest. People often misinterpret this as being depressed or angry, when in actuality, I am simply bored with people I constantly come in contact with. This is something that I used to hide, my general dislike for the vast majority of the population. And while I don't try to go out of my way to be rude or cold shouldered, people can tell as clearly as if I was wearing a shirt that read something like, "If you're reading this I'm not too fond of you." I have that vibe, and this saddens me. I was in a Borders today and walked by a woman who was in line for a coffee based beverage. She wasn't in my way at all, and she did me no injustice of any kind, but when I walked by her she apologized. I think she could tell I didn't like her kind (the human race) and was apologizing for being alive.
There is a dark side to my personality, and it is filled with these types of thoughts. What I have tried to realize is that these negative thoughts do not necessarily define me as a person. That I can still think these things sometimes but be inherently good. ....I'm not too sure yet. I know most of my problem with how I perceive others is rooted in the way that I perceive myself. I am bored with people because I think I am somehow unique or special. I often think no one could relate to me because they cannot possibly be wired the same way as me. This has nothing to do with pity and everything to do with insecurities and ego. I can easily look at other people's situations and understand their situation is far worse than anything life has ever handed me. I don't want others to pity me at all actually. I just simply think my complexities run so deep that others could not grasp the full realm of what and who I am. These are delusional thoughts of grandeur, and while I understand they are not true, I also think they are true. That principle of holding a thought to be both true and untrue simultaneously is called "double think." George Orwell talks about it heavily through his characters in his classic: "1984".
I need to change my attitude. I know this much. I often feel like menial and everyday tasks are beneath me. That I shouldn't have to do anything unless I am inspired by something in a powerful and moving way. My problem is I am looking for inspiration in all the wrong places. My favorite movies, songs, and pieces of literature all have common themes in the fact that they challenge people about the very morality of life and deconstruct the common values of man. I like these because they share my common pessimistic approach to the world. Why do I choose to use these tools as inspiration rather than the miracles I have been given?
I'm not unique. I'm beginning to be okay with these. If being ordinary presents me with opportunities to bless those around me extraordinarily, then I am okay with this. I want to spend my thoughts and time towards being the best person, best friend, best father, best son, best brother, best version of myself that I can be. If I lack inspiration, then trying to become a version of myself that can trump all the others, should be all the inspiration I ever need.
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